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Poland’s Movie Posters

Mozart is a psychotic cookie.

 

Airplane! is actually a sci-fi horror in Poland.

Martin Sheen’s face explodes and looks deeply into your soul for 152 minutes in the Polish version of Apocalypse Now.

Blade Runner: A sexy Russian spy evades a man who runs with scissors, right?

Cabaret is about an evil demonic swastika that is also the greatest cabaret dancer of all time.

The Sun on the Japanese flag is saddened by atomic warfare in Empire of the Sun.

M.A.S.H. is the original Happy Gilmore, with helecopters.

I think this designer took the “For your life” part of Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown a little too literally.

Raiders of the Lost Ark. The Evil Nazi Coat Hanger, a snake, and a picture of a terrorist try to kill Wilson from Home Improvement by stuffing him in a blue box.

Edward Norton shoots lightning out of his eyes at Pablo Picasso’s nighmare while a mysterious blonde woman falls in love with a horse in The Illusionist.

The Time Machice: The creepy kid from The Grudge swallows a clock and doctors desperately try to operate before time runs out.

This one actually makes sense. It’s all about finding the right film for Poland’s poster artists, apparently.

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Vulgar Persuits of a Classless Society

“Fat”

Ladies and gentlemen, I think our society needs to redefine the word “fat.” It seems a popular blogger has criticized the model Kate Upton for being fat, which absolutely puzzles me. According to this source, the model is five feet and 10 inches tall, and weighs 125 lbs.

Below are two images. One is of a blue whale, and the other, Kate Upton. Can you spot the difference?

Hint: Super models don’t jump.

Now, I am no expert, but Miss Upton appears to have very little fat on her, or at least it is specialized to, err, certain areas. She is by no means fat. People, fat hilariously means: having too much flabby tissue. There is absolutely no flabby tissue on that body. I fear for the future of women who think this is fat.

“I’m just so flabby.”

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Uncategorized

Drinking

What is the pupose of alcohol, ladies and gentlemen? If you ask many 20-something-year-olds, it would seem that the answer is to get intoxicated to the point which they begin to act as if their age has been devided by 10.

I am not going to post any pictures ere; but if you go on Google and search “drunk” in images, you will see About 234,000,000 results. That is two-hundred-million images of people whom have embarrassed themselves and completely ruined their chances of getting that job, or keeping their job because their boss saw the photo somewhere.

“Johnson, what’s that drawn on your forehead?”

I don’t understand this mentality, friends. My coworkers have told me on multiple occassions about how they “Can’t wait until Friday,” because they are “going to get smashed.” What is alluring about not being able to speak, stand, or walk properly, and vomit all over the carpet?

Oh.

 

 

Image Sources:

http://demetriusnilesproject.blogspot.ca/2011/01/things-that-bother-me-bosses.html

http://www.techeblog.com/index.php/tech-gadget/5-of-the-funniest-youtube-babies-toddlers

 

 

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Uncategorized

To, Too, and Too

Let’s settle this once and for all:

“Too” means also, or excess. e.g. “I am bored, too.” “There are too many bored people.”

 “To” links words together.  e.g. “I am going to be bored at the movies.”

Think of it this way:

It’s easy to spell “to”, and there are too many O’s in “too”, too!

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Uncategorized

How To Be A Successful Author

In 12 Easy Steps:

1. Have a very flat female protagonist with no personality; that way, teenage girls can imagine they are Bella, or Katniss

or Anakin.

2. Have a lot of romance, and a love-triangle if possible. (It’s always possible)

3. You don’t really need to include a plot; the romance element can cunfuse people into thinking you have one.

4. Make sure the protagonist is in some sort of situation teenage girls never get into, so the readers can identify much less with her.

5. Have her face a difficult decision, and then make the wrong choice; this will be misinterpreted as deep powerful storytelling.

6. Use a lot of colourful sounding words even if you don’t know what they mean. That will make it more difficult and exciting for the reader.

7. Make the book as long as possible. That way, readers can enjoy it more.

8. Be sure to include a lot of pointless characters and only feature each of them once. Nobody will notice that they never appear again.

9. Include as many details about everything as possible. Readers don’t like to use their imaginations.

10. The love interest should be obsessed with the protagonist to the point at which it is creepy. Readers find it endearing.

11. Don’t stop at one book. Write at least three.

12. Avoid using your full name.  Your book should be published under your first and middle initials and your last name. It worked for Tolkien, Lewis, Wells and Rowling, why wouldn’t it work for you?

Your initials make the story better.

I would also like to welcome my first ever follower, who writes some interesting things here.

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Review, The Word as I See it Works in This Way:

Pride and Prejudice Review/ Analysis

Pride and Prejudice, for those of you who don’t know, is a novel by Jane Austen, originally published in 1813. The copy I read is much newer. I can tell from personal experience, and having seen many non-antique books in my time.

Figure: The exact number of people who don't know what "Pride and Prejudice" is.

While PaP is widely considered a classic, I only recently endeovered to read it.

What I thought of Pride and Prejudice:

1. The first thing anyone must know about this book is that not much really happens.

2. The second thing is that it is mostly dialogue-driven.

3. The dialogue is somewhat difficult to comprehend at times.

Once you get past these debilitating hurdles, you may find Pride and Prejudice is a well-written story of deceit, romance, and:

Figure: You all saw it coming.

The novel follows the lovely (As we are to assume) Elizabeth Bennet, who has a quick and sharp mouth. We begin the story with her mother and father discussing a new young man with an unfortunate name, Mr. Bingley, who has just moved near their home. At the time, young men in his position were always looking for marriage.

"Come out, Marriage; I know you're in there!"

Mrs. Bennet concocts a wonderful scheme to have one of her 5 daughters married to the young man. At a ball,  Mr. Bingley quickly becomes infatuated with the eldest of the Bennet daughters, Jane; while his friend, Mr. Darcy has a miserable time, and does not much care for anyone at all. While Mr. Bingley and Jane fall in love like characters in romance novels are wont to do, Darcy and Elizabeth give each other nasty looks, because they both clearly know that they hate each other before even saying a word.

This would be an incredibly boring and short novel if it ended there. However, quite to our convenience, Jane Austen wrote on. Jane (Bennet) is invited to visit the Mr. Bingley and his sister, and when she goes, she ends up with a cold. So, Elizabeth does the most logical thing, and walks all the way to Netherfield, and miraculously does not catch cold. Miss Bingley is very surprised to see Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and makes some rude remark to Mr. Darcy (Who just happens to end up everywhere that Elizabeth goes for the remainder of the novel) about her ankles being muddy.

Pictured: Mr. Darcy(?)

It is at this time that the rude and unpleasant Mr Darcy realizes he is absolutely and totally in love with this woman whom he has now met twice. But Darcy is not the only man who sets his eyes on Elizabeth. Mr Darcy loves Elizabeth, but Elizabeth clearly hates Mr Darcy, especially after hearing some unsavoury gossip. Can Darcy convince Lizzie  to marry him? Is he really who she thinks he is? Will Jane and Mr Bingley get married? Dear God, the suspense is killing you.

Either that, or Mr Darcy.

But really, Mr. Darcy isn’t a stalker; that was a joke.

Why You Should Read Pride and Prejudice:

PaP (Which sounds like some boyband from the 1990’s) is elegantly written and full of surprises. It is truly a story I have never seen before. It is as if M. Night Shyamalan lived in 19th century England, was a woman, and wrote a book, except nothing supernatural happened in that book. The poetic dialogue and prose add a delightful uniqueness that modern fiction does not contain. Pride and Prejudice is filled with colourful characters such as the awkward cousin Mr Collins who will inherit the Bennet estate, and so resolves that he will marry one of the Bennet girls, and Lady Catherine de Bourgh, a stuck-up aunt of Mr Darcy’s. What I’ve described in this review does the book absolutely no justice, as I did not wish to spoil too much of the plot.  Pride and Prejudice is a reflection on the 19th Century Genteel life; including their ideas of love and life (Which are very different from ours).

Love:

When we say “I love you,” it has an incredibly strong meaning. It is not something someone would say to another who they met only a few times. However, their idea of love (As presented in this book) is essentially what we would consider a “crush”. Indeed , characters use “love” and “like” completely interchangeably. In the 1800’s, you would not ask a woman to go on a date with you, you would ask her to marry you; which is much less strenuous and reduces the courting process significantly.

Life:

One of the most important things in their lives is balls. A man who dances with many women is quite the gentleman, and a man who does not dance much is very rude.

“You shall hear then — but prepare yourself for something very dreadful. The first time of my ever seeing him in Hertfordshire, you must know, was at a ball — and at this ball, what do you think he did? He danced only four dances! I am sorry to pain you — but so it was. He danced only four dances, though gentlemen were scarce; and, to my certain knowledge, more than one young lady was sitting down in want of a partner. Mr. Darcy, you cannot deny the fact.”

Their dances are also immensely more fun than our current ones.

The worth of a man was based solely on his income, and the duty of a woman was to find a suitable husband who could provide for her. Love was based on these qualities: Wealth for a woman; beauty, youth, and class for a man. The courting process was not much more than “I have money, will you marry me?” as opposed to ours which requires a true physical attraction by both parties first and foremost, then some time dating before even thinking of marriage.

Abandon Hope (Of the plot not potentially being spoiled), All Ye Who Read on:

One thing I absolutely loved about this book is how much I identified with poor Mr Darcy. As he says

“I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy, “of conversing easily with those I have never seen before.” – Pride and Prejudice

This shows us that while he was only perceived as an unpleasant fellow, he was simply shy at first when meeting Miss Bennet. The scene  in which he walks in on Elizabeth while her hosts are out, sits in silence, then leaves was just brilliantly written, and Darcy deserves a much better woman that Elizabeth to have as his wife. I was not a fan of her judgemental character.

If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. ~Mr. Darcy

These are the words of a Gentleman.

In spite of Elizabeth’s uncivil rejection, Darcy helps her family simply for her; Darcy is the embodiment of the true idea of love which has always fascinated me. I see him as a reflection of myself: a quiet man who means well, is well liked, but sometimes misunderstood. Elizabeth; however, is quite the opposite. She judges Darcy immediately for the worst, dismisses him, and downright insults him, and then falls in love with him when she realizes who he truly is. But I suppose everyone deserves second chances, even Elizabeth Bennet.

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