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Your Bodily Fluids Belong Inside Your Body

Ladies and Gentlemen,

What happened to the generally accepted rule that spitting in public is disgusting? How did our society reach a point where hocking a gigantic mass of saliva onto the sidewalk is considered acceptable? Why is it that the majority of people I see spitting onto the sidewalk are young women? In many places it is considered illegal, and in my home city it can lead to a $50 fine. Those $50 are not nearly enough of a deterrent as far as I am concerned. It should be raised to $500. No self respecting person should spit in public. It disturbs and disgusts me every time I see it. I don’t want to step in that, and I don’t want to risk someone turning around and spitting behind them, only to have a luscious glob of mouth-born moisture land on me or in front of me.

English: A sign forbidding spitting in Shijiaz...

English: A sign forbidding spitting in Shijiazhuang, China. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You don’t have to spit. Our bodies were given a fantastic mechanism which allows us to swallow our saliva in order to avoid the vile act of spitting onto the ground, where people walk. Not only do we have the ability to not spit; but it requires less effort than spitting. Some may argue that swallowing saliva is gross; but trust me, it is far more gross for literally everyone else to watch the clot of liquid rapidly fire from between your lips.

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I am looking for a female writer to contribute to my blog. You will not receive monetary compensation as of yet (Or possibly not at all) but will receive full credit for your contribution.

If you are a self-professed lady who loves to write about what it means to be a true lady, I want to see your point of view.

You will be expected to write a short “essay” on one of the following:

  • Personal style
  • Something about contemporary society which offends/annoys you
  • Tips on what it takes to be a “proper lady” in contemporary society
  • A humorous take on something from pop-culture
  • Review of a movie, book, or whatever
  • How men should behave
  • How women should behave

A sense of humour is always acceptable.

Take a look at the blog to see what kind of posts to expect

To apply:

  1. Write a paragraph or two describing what your article will discuss, or just write the article itself. If I like your work I will publish it on the blog, giving you full credit for the piece.
  2. A short bio – Tell me a little bit about yourself – You don’t have to get too specific.
  3. Email it to gentlemansblog@outlook.com

Guest Writer Wanted

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The Hipster Wore a Fedora

… And was oblivious to the fact that it looks ridiculous.

For the love of all things holy, ladies and gentlemen, if you wear a hat please ensure that it matches your outfit. A hat is made to complete an ensemble, not to be the centrepiece of it. If you are wearing a T-shirt, don’t put on a fancy hat such as a fedora. It doesn’t look stylish, it looks like you have no understanding of how to dress properly.

The magical thing about fedoras is that they work very well with suits. If you’re going to wear one, it should be with a suit (or at least a blazer/sports coat)- end of story.

So, here’s what you should wear with certain popular hats:

Baseball cap:

English: Blue Baseball Cap

The most casual hat there is. Looks good with a sports jersey, or a T-shirt and shorts. Not for use with “fancy” clothing.

Driver/Duckbill Hat:

New Cap!

Not necessarily the same thing, but similar enough. These hats are a little more stylish than baseball caps, and so do not belong with a T-shirt and jeans. Wear at least a polo shirt, or other collared shirts- Trousers instead of jeans make the outfit more complete; but a suit is always best.

Bucket/Tilley:

Bucket hat

Dress in comfortable loose-fitting clothes. You’re clearly on vacation if you’re wearing those.

Cowboy Hat

Felt beige cowboy hat on a white background

Fun the wear, but rarely appropriate. Unless you work on a farm, or are attending the Calgary Stampede, this hat is not for you. Wear it to accompany long-sleeved flannel or denim shirts. Don’t forget the cowboy boots.

Fedora:

Line drawing of a fedora.

One of the more formal hats there is. The fedora was the big style in the 1940’s, at least if gangster movies are to be believed. You’ll notice that people in those movies never wore these hats without a nice suit.

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“Let’s Talk About Sex”

Pictured: Not sex, but they're getting there.

Pictured: Not sex, but they’re getting there.

Ladies and gentlemen, the number of young women who openly speak about their sexual experiences is astounding. I can honestly say I’ve heard far more of this sort of talk from ladies my age than from gentlemen of the same age. You may call me a prude, but sex is not something that should be considered a conversation piece; most of these stories fall incredibly short of interesting in my own opinion. I don’t care about the time a one night stand asked you if you would prefer him to “finish” inside you or on you; that is disgusting. The number of young women with self-respect seems to be in great decline. Telling stories about one night stands does not make me impressed. It is one surefire way to ensure I am instantly unattracted to you.

Pictured: The funny side of shame.

Pictured: The funny side of shame.

Sex is one of those things you do, everyone knows you do, but you just don’t talk about, because it’s nobody’s business but those directly involved.

Like nose-picking.

Like nose-picking.

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A Parable on Perception

She and I had nearly the same personality, so naturally, she and I would have the same sense of humour. Because of this, we’d throw insults back and forth at each other. Of course I was just joking; but I knew she wasn’t, because you can just tell with people. If it’s a joke, you know it.

As time went on and we got to know each other better, the insults became worse: More hurtful, more rude, more unkind; but of course I was just joking. She said something that really offended me because she was just an unkind person; I said something that really offended her, but I was just joking. Our mutual friends thought we were quite funny, and the behaviour was somewhat encouraged.

I think we disliked each other because of our comments toward one another; but how could she not see that I was just joking? I said it with a smile on my face, and she laughed. She said it with a smile on her face, and I laughed. It was a show we put on for our friends. It got to the point where I put my headphones in my ears and simply stopped talking. She walked away without a word. I knew she was over-reacting. How could she say those things? Obviously, I didn’t mean my comments; but she clearly meant hers. She was clearly just over-sensetive and rude; but I – I was funny,  because after all,  whatever I said, I was just joking.

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The True Olympians

Olympic Games 2016

Olympic Games 2016 (Photo credit: hops_76)

For many, the Olympics are about winning the most medals, and why not when the United States has 104?

Audiences everywhere watched in awe as Usain Bolt won gold in 4 x 4 100 m relay, 200 m, and 100 m, and excitement filled living rooms everywhere when Michael Phelps became the most decorated olympic athlete in history.

But two other athletes stuck out for me in a way I could never have imagined, and neither of them won medals:

Lopez Lomong

Lopez Lomong was born in South Sudan and was captured at age six in the Sudanese Civil War.  He ran for three days until he reached Kenya. In 2012, he ran 5000 metres in the London Olympics.

Sarah Attar

Sarah was not the fastest woman in the 800 metre race; in fact, she was by far the slowest. That did not stop the hundreds of spectators from applauding in a standing ovation for one of the first Saudi Arabian women ever to compete in the Olympics.

These two athletes represent the Olympic spirit in ways greater than any gold medalist this year. They are a survivor and a pioneer, reminding the world of what it means to be able to take part in such a spectacular event as this. So, while you’re counting your nation’s medals, remember that gold can break, silver fades, and bronze corrodes; but hope can never be destroyed.

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Poland’s Movie Posters

Mozart is a psychotic cookie.

 

Airplane! is actually a sci-fi horror in Poland.

Martin Sheen’s face explodes and looks deeply into your soul for 152 minutes in the Polish version of Apocalypse Now.

Blade Runner: A sexy Russian spy evades a man who runs with scissors, right?

Cabaret is about an evil demonic swastika that is also the greatest cabaret dancer of all time.

The Sun on the Japanese flag is saddened by atomic warfare in Empire of the Sun.

M.A.S.H. is the original Happy Gilmore, with helecopters.

I think this designer took the “For your life” part of Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown a little too literally.

Raiders of the Lost Ark. The Evil Nazi Coat Hanger, a snake, and a picture of a terrorist try to kill Wilson from Home Improvement by stuffing him in a blue box.

Edward Norton shoots lightning out of his eyes at Pablo Picasso’s nighmare while a mysterious blonde woman falls in love with a horse in The Illusionist.

The Time Machice: The creepy kid from The Grudge swallows a clock and doctors desperately try to operate before time runs out.

This one actually makes sense. It’s all about finding the right film for Poland’s poster artists, apparently.

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